Clemens: Hiya, Congress! Have I got a Cock-and-Bull Story for you...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Like a lyric out of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Roger Clemens went skating on the thin ice of modern life last week, dragging behind him the silent reproach of a million disdained eyes. Of course, cracks in the ice appeared under his feet and he was left to claw helplessly as the last support disintegrated beneath him. We watched transfixed, horrified, but we could not turn away, jolted to the fence by the lightning strike.

Yet we must tear our gaze away from what appears to be the formerly iconic Clemens’s spectacular self-immolation, and instead focus on how to avoid repeating this sad situation. The clear message of the combined House Committee on Oversight and Governmental Reform Hearings on “The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Steroids in Major League Baseball” was that Congress will be watching to see that professional sports testing policies, procedures, and punishments are effective. Moreover, when asked if they would convene hearings regarding drug use in other sports, several prominent Committee members were adamant that, if necessary to protect the public health and promote proper testing and education regimens, they would.

Though the pyre of Clemens will burn like a proprietary torch in sports pages throughout the land for months to come, the real purpose of the Congressional investigation was not only to see whether the Mitchell Report “should still stand as proof positive that baseball’s effort to combat illegal drug use needs a fresh look,” as Ranking Minority Leader Tom Davis (R-Va) said, but to remind the world that Congress would do what it must to hinder profiteering off a drug-fueled workplace in the world of sports in general. Davis specifically praised the depth and breadth of the Mitchell Report “in the face of a daunting list of obstacles: no subpoena power, little cooperation from players, and only tepid enthusiasm among owners more concerned with filling seats than promoting public health.”

Davis defined the battle lines clearly, saying “Those attempting to sell HGH are scamming consumers and breaking the law. We learned of the terrible risks associated with unapproved use. We learned yet again of the dangerous and phony messages being sent to young athletes that there are magic pills and wonder drugs that can grease their path to the Hall of Fame….We’re here to save lives, not ruin careers. Why? Because the health of young athletes across the country is at stake, and he won’t hesitate to defend their interests, even if the process isn’t pretty.”

I'll show you something else that isn't pretty: this list of sports in which either the United States Anti-Doping Agency, the World Anti-Doping Agency, or other professional sports organizations had athletes caught and punished for performance enhancers (not recreational drugs) in the last four years: Wrestling, Archery, Cycling, Track and Field, Racquetball, Weightlifting, Paralympic Track and Field, Paralympic Alpine Skiing, Judo, Paralympic Sled Hockey, (Paralympic Sled Hockey!?), Paralympic Basketball, Boxing, Taekwondo, Bobsled, Ice Hockey, Swimming, Sled Hockey, Team Handball, Snowboarding, Curling, Fencing, Synchronized Swimming, Baseball, and Football.

If paralympians, synchronized swimmers, bobsledders and archers are taking drugs to enhance performance, every sport, no matter what their altruistic history or ethos, needs to closely monitor their own testing and enforcement. The problem in every sport is resisting the allure of the last dollar on the table. Money gleams, but in the world of professional sports it gives off a manic glint to too many players and sports business people. People will be tempted to dance with the devil, thinking only of the short term. But secrets need to be kept forever, just ask Marion Jones, who surrendered her medals before getting sentenced to prison. When trouble comes, cold winds blow and hot water runs deep. For every drug cheat you protect, it’s another dirty secret ticking like a time bomb that you have to conceal. The best way to avoid it is transparency and strength of will. If a league is an open book if they are doing everything they can to catch drug cheats, that is more beneficial to sports in the long run than breaking records.

That’s the message of Congress to Sports Leagues and Commissioners. All leaders face difficult decisions. It is how they handle themselves in those instances that they are judged. Bud Selig or Roger Goodelle? The difference is the same difference between the lightning bug and the lightning, courage and cowardice, but it takes nothing more than a moment’s resolve and sound judgment.

Now that we all agree on the macrocosm, let's take care of one last pesky detail, what to do about Roger the Dodger. Almost as casually as if he were facing the Washington Nationals on a bright sunny summer day, Roger Clemens swaggered into Congress for the biggest confrontation of his life armed with only knuckle-balls and curves, not unhittable gas. Here's a few nuggets that sound like they came from your friendly neighborhood six-year-old in trouble with Sister Mary Matthew down at St. Stanislaus Elementary School:

"Andy misheard me. I was talking about an elderly gentleman I saw on TV."

"Andy Misremembered."

"I didn't get the letters from Senator Mitchell."

"My wife did HGH. McNamee injected her without my knowledge;"

and my personal favorite, from when Congress asked him if he thought it was wise to prep a witness - the nanny who confirmed Clemens was the Canseco party that Clemens denies attending - thought it was wise to prep her before handing her contact info to the Committee:

(shouted) "I was doin' y'all a favor!"

So there it is. Clemens takes a Congressional investigation as seriously as though it were just another chit-chat glad-handling his adoring fans, the Committee request nothing more than just a passing fancy like any other party invite. Fortunately, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform didn't see it that way. In the back of the room, wedged neatly between camera crews and Congressional staff who had the next to me, I only got occasional glimpses of Clemens's bald spot, but I had a great view of the Committee's reaction to his excuses and by the time this whopper came along, they were all looking daggers at him, eyes focused hawkishly on him, lips pursed tightly.

Clemens just walked into Congress the subject of a drug investigation and alleging prosecutorial misconduct on the part of the government during the biggest scandal in sports history with nothing more than a cock-and-bull story. (..to call that a mere dog-and-pony show would insult every mongrel and donkey from Baja to Bangor). He tried to wrap himself up in the flag, the All-Star team, and the pinstripes. Everyone was lying but him. He blamed his wife. He wasted our time, Congress' time and the taxpayers' money. He did all this in the face of a perjury beef. Rep. Elijah Cummings probably said exactly what you or I or millions of other Americans were thinking: "You're one of my heroes, but I have a hard time believing you."

Cheating, lying about it to the fans, filing a specious lawsuit, blame allocation and trying to play Congress off like they were simpletons? Prosecute him on general principle.

Photo Credit: Seattle Times. Look top left for Deerfield sighting.